Cheesy chips aren’t exactly a complicated recipe – make chips, melt cheese, serve together – but no two bowls are exactly alike.

For reasons known only to the depths of my subconscious, this blog is an attempt at reviewing the cheesy chips that pop up in my life.

Points are awarded for volume, cheese/chip ratio, chip quality and cheese meltedness, and I’m literally reviewing places based purely on this one dish.

WHAT MAKES GOOD CHEESY CHIPS?

• SIZE – as large as possible (at least a decent side, preferably a whole meal if you’re feeling tipsy)
• PRICE – as reasonable as possible. How much extra do they make you pay for the cheese? £3.50 for a large-ish portion would be ideal
• MELT – all cheese should be melted and seep through the pile of chips the way it seeps through your arteries, instead of being lumped on the top. Top points if no intact strands can be found.
• CHEESE VOLUME – as much cheese as possible, it should ideally be possible to get some on every single chip. Relates to melt and cheese price
• CHIP SIZE – if each chip can’t hold a proper serving of cheese, it’s not a proper cheesy chip. Fries get a scowl.
• CHIP QUALITY – fairly subjective, but preferably a soft interior with a tougher (but not too crispy) exterior so it’s capable of holding a good portion without collapsing
• LISTED ON MENU? – if only uncaseated chips are offered, how do they handle the request “Please may I have chips that have been smothered in cheese?” Relates to price
• FANCY-PANTS? – is there a Heston Blumenthal-wannabe in the kitchen? Generally speaking, the simpler the better (blue cheese sauce is a no-no), but if they can actually pull off something unorthodox like using sweet potato then this might be worth extra. The sign of either divine inspiration, heresy or hipstery over-elaboration. Minus points for Pretentiousness, possible extra points for Innovation.